Taking back control

Submitted by: Anonymous

Sophie’s back pressed against her lumpy mattress, her pelvic floor was suddenly clenching and tensing in ways it never had done so before. She felt a throbbing sensation beat in her lady parts and with much effort tried to reach her hand down there to satisfy this urge, this eruption that has taken over her whole being. She sunk the side of her face into her pillow, opened her mouth and let out a sighing almost crying like sound. She woke suddenly. Her senses and awareness were quickly brought back to reality and she soon realised her hands were nowhere near her lady parts. She was lying flat on her back, with her hands by her side, as if she were laying in a coffin. Sophie couldn’t comprehend what had just taken place. In her mind, she was spread to all four corners of the bed, almost levitating off the mattress from this powerful vibration her whole body had just experienced. Was it all a dream? She then remembers the wailing sound she produced and wonders did her mother hear her, as her bedroom is only across the landing.

Light peers through her polka dot blinds. She can hear the bin lorry collecting the neighbours bins. It is like a beat or a rhythm that she uses as motivation to get out of bed. As the sound of the collection of bins grows louder, Sophie lifts her duvet and swings her legs to the side of the bed. She can hear Ireland AM blaring from her mother’s television in her room. Sophie’s mother, Margaret likes to listen to the television at a painfully loud level, so the whole house and Deirdre and Seamus who live five doors down can also hear it. Sophie opens the door of her bedroom and is hit by a bite of coldness as she enters the landing. She braces the cold and makes her way down the stairs. Each barefoot meeting the rough, frost like carpet. As she gets to the hall, she steps her right foot onto the icey tile and gasps as though she has just witnessed something frightening and follows hesitantly with her left foot.

Every morning she makes her mother a cup of tea. As she boils the kettle, she pauses and reflects back on the dream that she just had. Sophie is aware that it was only a dream but she’s also extremely aware of what her body just experienced. That wasn’t just any old dream. She is almost certain she just experienced a real life female orgasm. Like what you see in the movies. She is curious to find out more. She ponders on the idea of what it would be like to experience this first hand.

Sophie is standing by the sink, lost in her thoughts, filling up a glass of water, which is now overflowing. ‘SOPHIE LOVE’, her mother shouts. Sophie’s whole body jumps, the glass slips out of her right hand but she saves it from smashing by catching it with her left, as if she is doing some sort of obscure dance and looking somewhat idiotic. ‘YEAH COMING’, Sophie shouts. She refills the glass of water, makes the tea and dashes upstairs. She enters her mother's room, still dark with light from the television illuminating the room. She places the tea and glass of water on her mother’s bedside table. She doesn't want to stay and chat, she wants to leave and think deeply about the dream she just had. Sophie has never as much as kissed someone before. This thought panics Sophie, she understands she lacks experience but it dawns on her that she is years behind in experience compared to a normal twenty one year old girl but then what is normal? She always wondered who created these rules of normal and abnormal. In school she was an outcast and certainly was not friendly with Louise Doherty or any of her clique. She wondered, what made her an outcast, what did she lack in, that the other girls didn't. Was it her frizzy hair? Sophie was more than aware of the wiry bits of hair that sprung out the side of her head like antennas. 

Sophie’s mind is on overdrive, worrying about her future and how this life she lives may lead to her being socially inept. She remembers she is only 21 and her life is only beginning but when does it begin? Sophie’s father died when she was eight years old. Ever since then Sophie’s mother has struggled. She keeps to herself for the most part. Although her mother never really expresses how she feels, Sophie knows that her mother needs her. That’s why she decided to stay home and not go to college. Going to college meant leaving west cork to move to the city, which meant leaving her mother and she couldn't bring herself to do. Sophie sits on her bed and asks herself the question, what makes her different to the other girls? Her frizzy, moss like hair? Who said straight hair is more attractive than frizzy hair? Are people with straight, long hair, more deserving of romantic relationships? She challenges that thought. Does her status in school, that was merely created by other people, who are supposedly higher up in the hierarchy and apparently are at the helm of choosing who is ‘cool’ and who is ‘uncool’. Is she going to let these once teenage cliques determine her future. She awaits a valid answer. She comes to the conclusion that she is going to leave her school days behind her. She decides, today will be the day she lets go of all of that. She is taking back control of her own life.

Her next quest is to find a person of the opposite sex who can help her start crossing things off her to do list. First on the to do list is a basic kiss. Sophie will accept a peck, preferably she wants to shift someone. She has never touched lips with another person so she is willing to settle. She remembers it’s a Friday and on Fridays, Sophie and her mother get chipper uptown from ‘Burgerchips’. That chipper has been open for over 10 years and Sophie still questions the originality of that name. I think the whole town questions the sheer laziness and lack of thought that was put into that name, so lazy they forgot the ‘and’. Tom Roche works in the chipper. Sophie remembers in fifth year, Tom stood up for her. It was a Wednesday and on Wednesdays, Sophie’s school got a half day. Most girls in school wore make up on Wednesdays. People would meet up town and stand outside Centra, in groups that separated them into male and female. They would stand across from each other, they would giggle and shout statements at one and other, ‘Cathal wants to shift ya Louise’, Rory would shout, who was known as the class clown. Sophie was never cool enough to be involved in such fun.
​She remembers one Wednesday, she decided to go all out and gel back her sticky outy bits of hair. She tried tucking them behind her ears but they would always defy her. She came into school that morning with her hair gelled back into a ponytail. She entered the classroom, passing Louise Doherty and her clique that were huddled in a cluster over by the window. She heard Louise say ‘doesnt Sophie O’Driscoll look like a total man with her hair like that’. Each one of the girls let out a witchy cackle that sounded like fingernails scratching off a blackboard. Tom overheard Louise, ‘At least Sophie has some balls and isn't a sheep like yourself Louise’, said Tom. Louise was in total disbelief that Tom responded to her in such a way. Sophie was flattered that Tom bothered to say this, even though she wasn't entirely sure it was a compliment, she took it anyway. She has fancied Tom Roche ever since. She decides it is now or never. Tonight is the night she asks Tom Roche on a date. She makes the decision to pop the question when collecting the chipper.

She is filled with excitement, with adrenaline, she is itching for seven o clock to strike so she can go and collect the dinner. She lies on her bed all day playing out scenarios in her head of how it may go. Seven O’Clock hits. Sophie shoots up from her bed, slips on her tatty trainers and puts on her khaki coloured parka, ‘I'm off to collect the dinner, I won't be long’, Sophie shouts to her mother. She runs down the stairs and flies out the door, slamming it behind her. She has never in her life been so ready to do something. She is fearless right now and has no idea why. She believes she has missed out enough and she refuses to miss out on anymore. She is so thankful that this sudden act of bravery has stemmed from this dream she had. She is power walking up town, the cold breeze smacking off her face, it feels fantastic. She sees the lights of ‘Burgerchips’ up ahead. She is fast approaching.

Sophie bursts through the door with such force, the door whacking off the wall producing an enormous bang, everyone in the chipper’s attention is now on Sophie, including Tom Roche. ‘Sorry’, Sophie mutters. She shuffles up to the counter. Tom smiles ‘Story Sophie, what can I get ya?’, says Tom. Sophie’s heart is racing, she can barely hear him ‘two medium chips and two battered sausages please’, Sophie replies. She has no idea what she just said. ‘Lovely stuff, that’ll be eight forty five please’, says Tom. Sophie reaches into her coat pocket, takes out a twenty euro note and hands it to Tom. She nearly asks him now but all eyes are on her after that door stunt she just pulled, so she waits. Tom nods at Sophie and lifts the brown paper bag in the air, to notify her that her food is ready. Tom hands her the bag, her hand is now on his and she can feel the heat off the food emanating from the bag. She panics ‘Do you wanna shift?’, Sophie blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Tom looks at her confusingly, ‘What time do i finish my shift?’, Tom replies. Sophie has no idea what to say, her hand still touching his. Twelve pint Sean is sitting at the table behind her, drunkenly inhaling his burger, ‘She asked ya did ya want to shift her’, he slurs. Tom releases his hand from the bag. Sophie’s face turns the colour of the ketchup bottle on the counter. Tom laughs awkwardly. Sophie doesn't really know what to do with herself but manages to force a half smile even though her eyes are saying completely different. She can’t take the silence anymore, so she turns and leaves, she feels humiliated. Just as Sophie’s hand touches the door handle, Tom says ‘I’m working till late tonight but would you be up for getting a drink tomorrow?’, Sophie has never in her life drank alcohol ‘Yeah that would be nice’, says Sophie. ‘Great, I’ll text ya tomorrow… Facebook?’, says Tom. Sophie nods and smiles. She is filled with joy.
​
As Sophie is strolling home, she realises when we are brought into this world, we have no understanding of the world around us, we can only go by what other people teach us and tell us. She only ever knew herself to be different, that it was wrong. And how she felt about herself was created by other people. When people tell you what you are, it holds you back from going out and getting what you want. She decided she was never going to let anyone determine how she felt about herself ever again. She was content knowing, it all starts from within.

Submitted to StoryBud by: Annonymous

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