Idle Hands

A short story told through letters between old pen-pals. 

                                                                                                                                                                                  Aug. 11th
 

Dear, Sinéad
 
I bet you’re surprised to be getting a letter from me. If you’ve been WhatsApping me over the last couple of weeks, sorry I haven’t replied but I don’t have my phone – hence the letter. I’ve relapsed again. I’m back in St. Patroclus’.  I asked my Dad to let you know I’d write; I assume he did. Don’t worry, I’m okay. I’m here two weeks tomorrow and already starting to feel a good bit better. It has been messy though.

I think I forget how to write letters but doing so now reminds me of all the letters we sent to each other over the years as kids. Those were the days, weren’t they? No mobiles, no internet, no pressure. I often think back to that summer we met each other in Tramore, spending all day in the arcade pouring our Communion-money into those coin-pusher machines, five pence at a time. And the day you kicked the machine and set the alarm off, us tearing out the door with the pockets of our dresses weighed down and jingling with copper and nickel, spilling a trail of little scattered bulls behind us as we legged it. It makes me smile so much now to think of it. Can you believe that was all the way back in ’97?!

I wrote you the very first of our letters the day you went home. I’d been at the arcade without you but it wasn’t the same, no-one to high-five when the teetering coins finally tippled over the lip, and no-one to kick the blasted thing when my last five pence was swallowed into the belly and bowels of the coin-hungry beast. Yet I spent hours there, feeding the fucker. I suppose that was an early sign of my addictive personality.

There’s a woman here, Nora, and that’s actually her addiction - coin pushers, well, that and slot machines, anything she can put coins into really. She has the vending machines here bare. And she’s not even allowed coins, I don’t know where she gets them. She had a paper cup full of buttons the other day, I think she pulled them off people’s coats & jackets. She’s not allowed to watch Tipping Point on the telly here either.
I’m the only gamer here again this time. My Dad had to break into my apartment after I’d been missing from work for four days straight and they phoned him when they couldn’t contact me. I’d been playing World of Warcraft for five days straight. I’d only eaten four times, I think, and slept less. Dad broke through the door on the fifth day and I broke down. A stinking, sniveling mess I was. I was glad to see him though, I didn’t resist coming back here.

I wasn’t here long enough last time to get a letter out and sent to you, I left too soon. I didn’t play for months after that, but that’s the most dangerous moment - thinking you’re cured and it’s safe to play again, just a little. I’m going to stay as long as it takes this time, really give it my all and come out with a proper handle on my addiction, so I’ll be writing you a lot of letters. I hope you’ll write back. I’ll put the address on the back of this page.

My love.

Deirdre.
 
 
                                                                                                                                                                

                                                                                                                                                                            16th August 
 

Dear, Deirdre
 
It’s actually really lovely to get a letter from you again, though of course I wish it was in better circumstances. Yes, your Dad delivered the message, so I’ve been expecting a letter from you – keep them coming! I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time, but I’m so glad you’re taking control of it all. I’m proud of you being so brave and honest with yourself. And I know you’re going to overcome it.

Haha, Nora sounds very eccentric. Though, in fairness, playing a computer game for five days straight sounds fairly loopy too – you nutter! Seriously though, I don’t mean to make light of it - I know you’re really into your computer games, and that you checked yourself in before because you were concerned about your relationship with them,  but how do you end up on such an epic binge? I just can’t picture you having your door kicked down. It makes me quite upset to think of it, Deirdre, I wish I would have known and could have done something. I hope you know I am always here for you, no matter what. I love you.

Ah, the arcade in Tramore, you’ve taken me back down memory lane there for sure. I spent more time with you and your family than I did with my own during that week. I did like your mobile home much better than ours though, it felt so happy and bright compared to the one my folks rented, or maybe it was just because you and I clicked so well. I was just thinking when I was reading your letter, we were so independent and free, finding each other as perfect strangers and running around Tramore as we pleased, no way of contacting anyone if we’d have had to – yet, if I was to go on holiday today with Oisín there’s not a chance I’d be letting him off at ten years of age to entertain himself all day and make friends with random kids. I wouldn’t even let him off in the town here at home for ten minutes. It’s kind of sad how things have changed.

He says hello to you. He’s after stretching something fierce, nearly the height of me now. He’ll be spending six weeks with his Dad from the first of next month actually; I’m going to Northern Syria - I’ve been assigned to armed conflict. It’s pretty similar to what I’ve been doing - processing data and witness accounts of actions and violations, etc., but now I’ll actually be going to document first-hand and report from refugee camps on the ground near conflict zones. It’s looking like Turkey is planning to bombard villages to depopulate them for illegal annexation and occupation. And don’t worry - I know you do - but I’ll be absolutely safe, I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have total confidence in that. We’ll be with displaced civilians many miles from conflict zones.  

I’m already looking forward to your next letter. It’s a nice feeling to get something in the post other than bills. We should keep doing letters forever! 

Sending you hugs and strength.

Love,
Sinéad
 
 

                                                                                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                                                                                  Aug. 21st
 

Dear, Sinéad
 
You’ll never guess what…I’m going to America!! I’ve been offered a place at a rehab facility that is exclusively for gaming addicts like me. It’s in San Francisco. It was created by a psychologist and game developer couple a little over a year ago and is the most effective treatment for gaming addiction on the planet. I’m delighted. I mean, I’m thankful for all they’ve done for me here in St. Patroclus’, but behavioural addiction takes so many shapes and, for me, I’ve a much better chance of exorcising my demons in a place with a proper understanding of them. I think it’s going to be so good for me.
 
To answer your question, how’d I end up having my door kicked in by Dad? Well, it’s difficult to explain, but I’ll try. Ultimately, for me, it’s two things – the dopamine hit and the interaction element. When you complete a quest or achieve something in WoW (that’s ‘World of Warcraft’, by the way) it’s such a rush! I know it sounds ridiculous because it’s a game, but that’s just it – it’s fantasy but you’re part of a guild of real people you’re communicating with in real time (though they weren’t online nearly as much as me) and you get to know them and develop relationships. And then Azeroth, the ‘world’ in which the game is set, becomes this very real shared and important, social experience. You know it’s not ‘real life’, but it lures you into this sense of control and purpose that I’ve never had in the real world and I just get sucked in, embedded in the game. I feel pathetic about it but, in the moment, blowing off actual real-world responsibilities and relationships wasn’t even a choice I made, it just was that way before I even knew it. I don’t expect you to understand it, but that game just has everything to keep me hooked.

You know, if all the WoW players around the world united, we’d be the twelfth biggest nation on earth. There’s over 100 million of us. And, at the risk of sounding like I’m bragging (which I am), I’m a bit of a WoW master, I was in the top fifty-thousand best players at one point – 49,008th to be precise. That’s no mean feat; though I’m not proud of my addiction, I’m actually pretty proud of that.

To be honest, I always knew I had an unhealthy compulsion for gaming, especially war games and battle strategy games, probably because I’m very good at them and that made me a real asset to people I’d be playing with. I’d be dying to get home from work to play Call of Duty, or Arma, or Battlefield, or whatever game - it’s all I’d be thinking about, just itching for that hit and satisfaction and the acceptance – but I could always handle it, until WoW. It’s not a traditional ‘military-realism’ game like those others, it’s much more fantastical, but something in it took me from compulsion to addiction.  Thankfully, the facility I’ve gotten into really has insight to all of that, so I’m very excited to be getting their help.
 
OMG, please be careful in Syria!!! I’m happy for you that you’re going out ‘into the field’ – well, maybe happy isn’t the right word, but you know what I mean. I know it won’t be pleasant, but I know you’ve been wanting it. Just please be careful.

I leave for San Fran on the 31st, Dad is coming for the journey over. I still won’t be allowed my phone or access to a computer there, even for email, but I can keep writing letters. Will I be able to send you post? Will you be able to write to me?? I’ve put the address of the facility on the back, just in case you’re gone before I get to write to you next.

Give Oisín a massive hug from me, I can’t wait to see him again soon.
 
Kisses,
Deirdre
 


                                                                                                                                                                             27th August
 


Dear, Deirdre
 
Oh my God, that is amazing news! I’m delighted for you. It sounds like that is absolutely the right place for you right now. And thank you for explaining the addiction to me, it seems you have a real grasp of your situation and what compels you which, I guess, must be an important part of getting better. I’m sure this programme in the States is going to be a real blessing. I’m looking forward to hearing all about it. You’re gonna do great, babe. I’m so happy for you.

Yes, you can absolutely send me letters – I’ll probably need them more than ever there. And yes, I promise to make time to write to you too of course. You can send them to the Amnesty international office, we’ll be getting delivery of supplies and things about once a week or so, all going to plan. I’ve put the address on the back of this page for you.

A hundred Million players of one game sounds mental to me, I had no idea it was so popular - but I had no idea you’re such a bad-ass at war games either! I’m impressed, even though it’s entirely unhealthy for you, lol. I can’t wait to see you channel all that skill and dedication and enthusiasm into something healthy and beneficial when you come through it all.  
​
Have a safe trip, my lovely, and say hi to your dad for me as well please. Tell him I’ll be up to have a few pints in Darcy’s when you’re back home.
I guess the next time I’ll be replying from Syria. And I know how you will worry about me, so don’t! I’m not going to worry about you. You got this!
 
Hugs and kisses
Sinéad
 
 
 
                                                                                                                                                                                   Sept. 9th  
 
Dear, Sinéad
 
I’m in the US of A, baby! It was a loooong flight, but we slept and watched movies and did our stretches on the plane. We got to spend the first day and night in San Fran, sleeping off the jet-lag and exploring a bit of the city. We saw the Golden Gate Bridge and the Mrs. Doubtfire house. Remember we watched Mrs. Doubtfire together on the telly in Tramore on the Saturday evening it was pissing rain, and we pissed ourselves laughing? It has been my most favourite film since that day.

San Fran is amazing, looks just like a movie. Well, actually, as Dad corrected me when I said that, the movies look just like it! He recognised parts of the financial district from his favourite film too, Vertigo - he got a kick out of seeing where Ernie’s restaurant was.

The next afternoon, I was collected and brought to the treatment centre – it’s in a nice isolated area, I think it must be about 100 miles or so from the city, and it is amazing! The facilities are top class, there’s pools and Jacuzzis, on-site chefs, and even tennis courts. No internet or tv, but did I mention the Jacuzzis? Plus, the nature surrounding us is so nice, forests and hills for beautiful walks. I’m so lucky I was picked to come here. Belinda and Marcus, the couple who run it, are so nice and they really understand gaming addiction - I’m incredibly grateful they want to help me.

There’s eight of us ‘inpatients’ here, and their stories make me feel less pathetic about mine. One guy didn’t leave his house for seven weeks he was playing a game called Squad so much. There’s only one other girl here, she’s really nice, she’s from the UK and it’s her first time in the US too. She’s a WoW player as well. It has been great to meet other people in similar situations and seeing we’re not alone. I’m excited about the next few months.

The treatment so far has been fairly easy-going, at least for me. We spent the first few days getting to know each other in group sessions, the eight of us. And we have individual sessions with Marcus and Belinda every day too. Marcus is the psychologist and Belinda is the game developer – she’s created some kick-ass games in the last couple of decades, so it’s kind of odd meeting her in this context, she’s like an idol to us yet she’s so down to earth and really invested in helping us get better, both of them are, and they really keep us clued into what we’re doing and why with each step of the programme.

What’s surprising, though, is that next week we will actually be playing video games! It sounds crazy, right? Like treating meth addicts with meth…but it’s all part of the process of ‘deconstructing our gaming dependence and behaviour’, and then modifying that behaviour rather than thinking in terms of outright abstinence. It’s about figuring out what makes the addiction rewarding for each of us as individuals; as Marcus & Belinda say, we’re not addicted to games per se, but to what the game lets us do or feel – like, for example, if you’re addicted to the sense of achievement, or to the social element, or to the ability to travel to new worlds and escape your reality, or if it’s even some revenge-like fantasy in crushing enemies from being bullied or something, or all of the above and god knows what else; I’m looking forward to trying to figure it out.

Then, when we’ve got a handle on what it is that actually compels us to play, we can work towards replacing the behaviour with new routines and healthier alternatives. Time will tell, I guess, but I’m hopeful!
Sorry if I’ve bored you with the detail, but there isn’t very much else happening in my life these days to update you on, and you did say you wanted to know all about it so it’s your own fault! 😊

How goes it with you, are you already in Syria now? I hope you’re keeping safe and well. Xx

Deirdre
 


                                                                                                                                                                      22nd September
 

Dear, Deirdre
 
I trust you have arrived to America safely and have begun your road to betterment. I guess you have been too focused there to find time to write just yet, but I’m sure you will when you’re ready.
 
I arrived to Northern Syria after a few obstacles that made the journey less than straight-forward but, nevertheless, I am here. I’ve spent the last few weeks coordinating a team on the ground and liaising with local intel and NGOs in anticipation of an influx of migrants – it seems our information was correct and there is military presence moving in to civilian areas, against the Geneva convention. Hopefully, the UN will get involved asap and deter any further escalation. There is already a small but steady stream of civilians making their way to us, but I fear that will increase quite quickly though, and soon. Anyway, we are as well prepared here as we can be for what may come.

I’m already missing Oisín and home something shocking, but then I catch myself and remember where I am and what people are suffering, and I remember what I’m doing here. I’m sure you probably miss home and family and friends too, but it’s important to keep in mind your purpose and your end goal, even when it feels tough. I hope all is going well there for you and you are liking the place. What is it like? Are there many other people there? Any hotties?? What kind of treatment is involved? I look forward to hearing all about it.
Hoping to hear from you soon, Deirdre. Be strong.

Love always,
Sinéad.
 
 
 
                                                                                                                                                                                 Sept. 30th

Dear, Sinéad
 
I’m not sure if you got my last letter a few weeks ago, or perhaps you are up to your eyes and didn’t get a chance to write back yet, which is completely understandable. I hope you got to your base in Syria and everything is going okay for you there and you’re managing well.

Here, I am making excellent progress – I’m feeling really good, and Marcus and Belinda are very satisfied with how I’m doing too. It’s really interesting actually. We’ve played puzzle games, sports games, old-school arcade games, and of course battle-strategy games – but they have designed a particular game, a VR game (that’s virtual reality by the way – you know, with headsets and all that jazz), specifically for this treatment and it is fucking mind-blowing! It’s a battle game too – well, so far it’s just a basic one level, one player game, but the graphics are unbelievable, it’s like being in a movie it looks so real - like nothing I’ve ever played before – it’s the future of gaming.

You feel entirely submerged, but it’s so visceral, if you don’t keep in mind that you’re playing a game you could easily be traumatised it feels so real – actually, Lauren, the girl from the UK, freaked out and ripped her headset off and started crying the first day she played it. The premise is you have to infiltrate a rebel stronghold and destroy certain buildings that are used for weapons caches, eliminate rebels, and kill livestock because they’re being used for animal-borne explosive attacks, or some such, which is kind of interesting in a game because generally you’re used to killing human characters (or zombies or whatever), but it’s a different kind of experience to kill an innocent animal. It looks disgustingly real too when you shoot a goat or an insurgent, but the whole purpose is to remove the ‘safe, computer-rendered graphics’ that allows us to readily delve into fantasy. It still feels like fantasy, obviously, but because everything appears so real and tactile you can’t remove yourself from it as easily – it forces you to play ‘as yourself’ to a large extent, if that makes sense. You actually begin to view yourself differently while playing, perhaps more honestly, than when submerged in a traditional game.

Sorry if I’m rambling, it’s difficult to describe but I find it to be a really cathartic experience – and a thoroughly enjoyable game play experience too, although the movement does feel a bit clunky and certain details like your shadow could be improved to match the hyper-realism of the rest of the game  but I’m definitely nit-picking here 😊. The most interesting thing is, though, as much as I enjoy playing it, I don’t feel compelled to play when I’m not, as has always been the case before with games, so I think it’s a really positive sign.
I hope you are getting my letters, even if you’re unable to reply so far. Perhaps my last one is lingering somewhere and this one coming behind might push it forward, like a coin in one of those machines at the arcade.

I hope you are safe, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Lots of Love,
Deirdre
 
 
                                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                                             8th October 
 

Dear, Deirdre
 
How are you doing? I had a horrible dream last night that you were being held captive against your will and being pumped full of medication that made you drool and look lifeless in your eyes. I guess I am processing some anxiety at not getting any letters from you in the form of bad dreams – at least I hope they are just nightmares and not some kind of premonition or insight to what’s happening there. Please tell me it’s not like that. I’m sure everything is fine and it is a nicer place than I am imagining. It would be nice if you had time to write to me though, even just a quick, short letter but I understand if it’s not a priority at the moment, concentrate on getting well above all else.
 
I might be having bad dreams too because of things here. It is rather bleak – we are currently sheltering almost six thousand displaced people. It is heart-breaking, they have had to flee their homes and villages to avoid being slaughtered. So many of them are young children, and even though children are very resilient, you can see the trauma in their eyes, etched onto their faces, that unmistakable look of confusion and fear that may never leave them. I’ve been processing reports of similar situations for years, but seeing it with my own eyes is something entirely different – I have been wanting to be in this position for a long time, but now I am not so sure; it’s far tougher than I anticipated.

The most disturbing thing is many of the children are talking about a “wahashun mueadini” – a ‘metal monster’. At first, I thought it was a children’s story or some figment of imagination that had started to propagate through the camp, but the adults are talking about something similar too - some sort of ‘mechanical soldier’, for want of a better description, ransacking villages, exploding bakeries, stores and doctor’s surgeries, shooting people on sight and indiscriminately killing their animals, all to decimate livelihoods and destroy essential services in villages, making them uninhabitable and forcing people to flee. We’re trying to figure out how we can gather evidence of it, because right now it only exists in the memories of these people and their descriptions – metal monster, steel soldier, shiny soldier, even Robocop. They say it behaves and moves just like a human, runs, looks around, and takes cover just like a human soldier, but it’s a robot – which makes me suspect that it is a remotely-manned-machine, with a human soldier somewhere behind its ‘eyes’.

I thought drone strikes were a most cowardly element of warfare, but remotely controlled soldiers is a terrifying new precedent, and I fear it may just be the beginning – what if they’re using depopulating villages here as a trial run for some new technology that will see an army of these ‘shiny robot soldiers’ appear? We must make it known asap, find out who is behind it and seek sanctions before it becomes a legitimised new secret weapon. Replacing human soldiers in combat is a step closer to fully automated soldiers, a step closer to reducing or removing human accountability and responsibility, and a step-closer to reducing the collateral damage and political costs of combat – war will become too easy and, therefore, too frequent. The dehumanisation of combat will be of no benefit to the civilians and innocent victims who suffer most in wars they never ask for.
 
I’m sorry if this is a downer for you, Deirdre, I know you are going through your own hardships right now and I don’t want to diminish any positivity and momentum you have – but this is what’s happening in my life where I am right now, so I couldn’t write you a letter and leave it out. I wish you would write to me too though, just let me know how you’ve been doing since you went state-side. My time here is coming to an end in five days, so if you will reply to this one, please send it to my home address. If you still don’t have time to write, that’s okay, I will look forward to seeing you in person when you return home, whenever that might be.

Love, strength, and hugs.
Sinéad.
 

Back to Stories